Remembrance Day, November 11, 2021

 It is just mind blowing to think of what veterans have done for the rest of us so we can be free and have a democracy.

However, it's vital that we never forget so we don't blow up our democracy by listening to internet crap made up by people who do not use critical thinking. I remember seeing a politician who I will not name at the big V-Day Celebrations in France a couple of years back, with all of these old veterans sitting in their wheelchairs in the rain listening to his selfish, narcissistic crap. I'd never seen a more vulgar and disrespectful scene. Knowing the horrors, the smells of dead bodies, the violence, the loss, the starvation they endured so we could all sit in the comfort of our homes, eating food that has not been rationed is truly something to not be taken for granted.

However, democracy, even in Canada is extremely fragile right now. Already you've got some people not accepting the results of a recent election - a despicable move from the old he who shall not be named playbook. Nevertheless, YOU contribute to the end of all that our vets fought for and the comfort of our democracy if you perpetuate lies and conspiracies. It's that simple. Most of what is dividing us comes from evil minds paid to stoke our fears and having a laugh at how gullible we can be. Their job is to divide so so they can dismantle our democracy little by little. Remembrance Day is a very good time to seriously think about these things and check ourselves. Trust me, forethought will spare afterthought.

Savoring Your Abundant Life

 My husband paid the most beautiful tribute to me on my 54th birthday - acknowledging how it's not always been easy being married to a firefighter but how much he loves and appreciates all that I do for him and our family - how much he loves me.  Today I walked past our rose bushes and stopped.  Their beauty was truly beyond measure and their fragrance completely intoxicating.  As I took a deeper look into the beauty of the roses, I recounted the day we planted those bushes.  Much like a life.  We plant a house, we plant a family, we plant hope for our marriage and we plant a vision for our life together. Today those roses made me stop and admire my life, my family and my marriage.  These were our roses.  We intentionally planted them.  Roses are like life - beautiful and thorny!  To get those beautiful roses to bloom, you've got to cut back and cut off what no longer grows, what no longer brings life.  And then you wait, after pruning, for the blooms.  Ah, you think, I'm glad we worked through that and got through that.  Look what we have now!  Life is a rose, is a rose is a rose!  So are our relationships.  We've been married nearly 27 years and we are in love.  It takes work getting there and those thorns can really tear you apart, but the roses will come and they are splendid. XOXO

Happy New Year!!!

 Hey, Happy New Year!!  It's January 15th! You may have made resolutions and you may not have.

Here's the thing, it's only January! Making new habits and achieving your goals takes time. Be patient and be kind to yourself. Simply begin again...and then again and again.

Take notes of your better days and your not great ones too. Practicing good habits consistently requires setting up your environment and your mind-set for success. On the days I lunge into the "news" without centering myself first, I find myself feeling disconnected and "unmagical." On the days I wake up to some good music, do some writing and stretching, set my intention and count my blessings, I feel like a million bucks all day. We are half way through the month and it's Friday!

Why not review the past two weeks and see what habits you need to incorporate or eliminate. Make your list.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone! XOXO

There Is So Much In The Air

Well if 2020 wasn't already a challenge and to many a blindside, there is also an American election on Tuesday and I'm worried.  I'm worried for all of the obvious reasons but mostly for the unrest this will all cause.  I've already decided NOT to watch any of it on TV.  In 2016 I woke up with one of the sickest feelings I'd ever experienced.  I woke up sick that morning in November 2016 because of the massive division, violence and unrest.  It has only grown. Everyone came together so humanitarianly after 9-11.  We helped, held and looked after each other, but look what has transpired.  Who would ever guess that the great super power country would be on the brink of civil war.  Who would have ever guessed that the ugly spread of misinformation and that the assault of truth would be at the forefront.  I will stay low and be in prayer this weekend.  Yes, I live in Canada, but the sepsis is seeping over our boarder.  Evil unleashed. Maybe it will work out.  Maybe one day there will be some normalcy again. Maybe one day there will be diplomacy and integrity and empathy again. The fish rots from the head down.  Where this will go nobody knows.  It could be the very end or it could be a pleasant blindside. It's in God's hands.  

I love being a Fire Wife!

 This past year my firefighter and I celebrated 26 years of marriage.  I am so proud of the life that we've built together.  I'm even more proud that we are in the stage of what I call in my book, Fire Wife, "The Juicy Peach" stage. 

 I call it the juicy peach stage because the actual peach tree is a very sensitive one and takes real tend, trial and error.  More often than not it takes YEARS before those juicy peaches start to even show up on those branches.  Doesn't that sound like a marriage to you?

While some couples may have had a smoother relationship together, I do know for certain that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship.  All relationships go through rough patches and growing pains and  I am so glad that my hubby and I grew and got through.  

While the EBOOK of Fire Wife is out, I won't actually really launch it until the paperback is out.  There have been significant setbacks that have been totally out of my hands that have caused it's delay, but hopefully not to much longer.  I cannot wait for you to hold it in your hands and read it!  In some ways it's a love letter to you.  It's also a guide for what you can expect to get through and some suggestions, suggestions wrapped in experience, for how to successfully journey through those unique challenges.  

  Once upon a time I did not for a second believe that my husband and I were going to make it.  This fire life can be stifling when you are a freedom lover. You can't be as spontaneous because of shift work and you certainly cannot phone up the chief or the captain when YOU have a problem.  There is procedure and there are processes that must be adhered to and that can be hard. 

 There may have been a messy middle in our marriage as we navigated his new career, but I held onto my dreams too and I think having a solid self and a solid life apart from the department is pivotal to your own happiness.  They say that the fairy tale of a marriage is at the beginning of it but I beg to differ.  The true joy for me with my firefighter is now, when after being married for a long time and knowing how much you've loved each other through thick and thin, you get to this sweet spot...this beautiful place of acceptance and appreciation - you don't try to change each other, you in fact love him just as he is and he you. The Juicy Peach Stage.  You'll find out the other stages of a fire marriage when you read Fire Wife.  

But in the meantime, enjoy some of my blog posts.  You can also visit my website for more reading www.firewifewise.com and don't forget to give me your email on the website so I can email you my newsletter.  I look forward to being a mentor to you if you need and I cannot wait to meet so many of you when this pandemic is over.   Talk soon. XOXO

When Your Son Says, "I want to be a firefighter."

When my eldest son told my husband and I he wanted to be a firefighter, I couldn't sleep that night. Any person who is with a firefighter and in particularly if you've been with a firefighter for a long while, you've seen what it does to them. You know where this is going to go. When my son told me he wanted to be a firefighter, I thought, there is just no preparing him for this. He wakes up today such a happy guy, he is nurturing to his dog and in his volunteer life to people who have no food, delivering groceries, helping friends to build a memorial playground for their deceased daughter and her boyfriend - he is there. But what will this do to him? What will it do to him when he learns that one bad day and night will pile up, layer after layer, after another. How will he go from car wreck and bagging up unidentifiable bodies to home where a happy wife and kids wait for him. Most likely he will just need to walk past them, up to a cool room to watch hours of mind numbing escapism instead of reliving tragedy after tragedy Yes there is the camaraderie, but there is also the initiation. The rookie year - the mental exhaustion of prank after prank; and so much to remember. Oh my God, your memory for chemistry combinations and the science of smoke, air, formulas, water pressure, has to be precise or someone could die.

On hot days I imagine my son in heavy turnout gear, sweating not only under a hot sun, but over hot pavement and hot twisted cars. I imagine my son walking up dozens of flights of stairs in smoky hallways carrying 40 lbs. of equipment.

My uncle was a firefighter.  My husband is a firefighter.  But my son?

Having a firefighter for partner is not easy. In fact, it is usually not the life you signed up for:  "Do you promise to be lonely, deal with moods, or PTSD?  You learn however to either sink or swim. You learn to see the positive (they are an amazing group of people) you learn to live the positive (more good days than bad days)  and you learn to focus on the positive (we are a lucky family with wonderful firefighter friends and support). If you don't, yes, you will sink.   My son believes he has the tools to work through those bad days because he was raised by me. (God I love that boy).  

My mother fears are valid  but they are not my son's. He has his path and most likely he will love his job. Most firefighters do. Even with all that they see, I would say that 99% of the firefighters I know say, "it is the best job on earth." 

We are living in vulnerable times. This is something I probably wouldn't be worrying about as deeply as I am if there wasn't so much angst and worry in the world right now. But I do believe that when fear comes up, we need to face it then ask ourselves if our fears are real or imagined? We are in a time of deep surrender and that can be tough when you are used to running the show!  There are a lot of things out of our hands right now but maybe that's what it is all about. Maybe this is the lesson.

The word TRUST came up for me today. In fact I just got a wonderful comment from another fire wife on my Instagram account that said, "trust in his training" though what she was referring to had nothing to do with my son. Her words however resonated with me. Within the embodiment of trust we have "faith, hope and a positive outlook." Life is good. God is good. Thank you for all of it.

In Times of Crisis - There is Also Opportunity

 We are in times of crisis and challenge but I want you to remember something. Crisis is also a good time for opportunity and if we choose, we can see this time as a gift, hidden or not so hidden and use this time to truly see with clarity that 2020 might just be what we all needed.

We are in a time of remembering both what is important to us and what truly matters when the cards are down. People have also suffered loss. But it is during times like these that I always become aware of just how many good people there are in the world, willing to help, support, care for and come together in unity. (Thank you a million times over to our health care workers, our first responders and to our front line workers that make sure we get fed, are still teaching our children and picking up our garbage.)

And though we are in unchartered times and we don't yet know how all of this will look when this all simmers down, in just 10 seconds, you can change your mind and your heart about how you plan to live today and more importantly, how you will plan to live going forward. Optimism is essential right now.

And by the way, optimism isn't a sugary sweet surface emotion or virtue that ignores what is currently going on in our world. Being optimistic is actually choosing to be realistic. Pessimism will focus on the least likely scenario and optimism focusses on the most likely scenario.

We are in a time of "re-ordered priorities." All those goals and dreams we were at times too busy to manifest, we now have the time. All those times you wished you could just stay home and write that book, well now is your time. All those days you wish you had more time with your family, well, you got it! We are cooking more, not spending as much moola, talking to friends and family remotely and having to be possibly more creative than we ever have before. And toilet paper? Did you ever think that toilet paper would be the hottest commodity in 2020? Did you think you'd ever wear a mask to go and buy groceries?

If you are feeling scared, or alone, and isolated this might be a good time to unearth what could be might be blocking you from your full blossom. Or to ultimately confront what you've been sweeping under the rug, to realize the patterns that have been holding you back. See if you can get assistance from a counsellor or life coach. If that is not possible, there are so many great professionals on YouTube who can certainly cheer you up and help you along. Use this time to practice extreme self-care.

Finally let me tell you what gives us all purpose and comfort as well as happiness during this time...helping others. Find out in your community what you can do. There are the elderly who could use a phone call, or how about new mothers who could use a chin wag over a cup of tea remotely of course. Our homeless also need sandwiches and supplies so give a call to a church in your area to see what you can drop off for their volunteers to distribute.

It's also a good time to focus on GRATITUDE. Science has proven that the practice of gratitude changes your brain chemistry and makes you feel better! It also helps you to see that there are smooth waters ahead.

It is because I know how powerful both Gratitude and Unity is that I've put together a little 30 day gratitude journal I'd love to email you. You can work on it knowing that there are other women from this page working on it right along side you!

Today I am sending you good vibes and lots of love. We will get through this and be better because of it. XOXO

Lessons in Isolation

There is a lot to be concerned about right now - from world economics to more locally small businesses that are suffering as well as human beings, particularly women and children in domestic abuse situations and families who are not getting enough to eat. Yes, there is a lot to worry about.  However, for those of us whose family members are on the front lines, who are still receiving a pay cheque and have benefits if they fall ill, the question I asked myself this morning was, what can I do to help others right now. Whether it be someone who is isolating alone and could use a phone call, or the local food banks that need money and non-perishables, we can all, even if we can't get on the front lines to help, do something. Today I will call some friends who I know are alone. I will also send money to help with the food bank and then order some items from small businesses in my community to do my part in helping them to stay afloat. Times are tough but ask yourself today, what can I do, what is in my control to reach out and do something to help others today. As a fire family it's in our DNA to reach out. If we all do our part, we can help others get through these most challenging times. There is and always will be a gift in everything when we get through this. Let's remember the events of the past and become better for it. God speed my friends. Talk soon. XOXO

It'll All Work Out!

The other day I talked about some resentment that bubbled up for me and was affecting me greatly during this time of sequester.. What I loved about this feeling bubbling up was that it was simply an invitation to deal with something that was obviously bothering me deep down and felt with a big exclamation mark because of the circumstances we are currently in. In my book Fire Wife, Standing Strong in Your Relationship, Your Life and Your Dreams, I talk about blocks that keep us from our authentic, full and happy selves.

So rather than push these feelings down with a reprimand so that I could pretend that my good girl heart doesn't feel these things, I welcomed this feeling to the table with a journal and a pen to work this thing out. For days and for days I wrote out pages and pages of frustration and I was actually surprised at how many pages and for how many days I wrote about my frustrations! But I feel better now and if you are feeling frustrated I know you will too! We are living in really tough times, but there is a gift in everything. Below I've written out 5 ways I returned to both love and peace.


Step 1.  Get it out!  Write it out and do not stop. It might take days and days (of course yes you will go to sleep in between) but just get it out, swear words, anger, resentments and all. Keep in mind that while you are an incredible person, you are still just a human being - equal parts both flawed and fabulous. We all feel bad feelings toward others from time to time - that is normal. What is not normal is holding onto bad feelings. It's bad for your mental, physical, and emotional health and bad for your relationships.  Take charge and write it out!

In taking the time to write I realized after several days that I needed to polish off my feelings of KINDNESS toward this person. I'd lost my way by allowing ego and anger to cloud this very important virtue.

In life there is only either love or fear.

We feel angry and resentful when we have fear. What are you fearing? Loss? The end of your dream as you knew it? Loss of space and privacy in your home?  Determine your fears and then take the time to review why you are feeling fear. When I addressed my fears, I related them to other times in my life when I felt fear, but things worked out better than I imagined in the future. This is when the activity of creating a timeline is a good idea.  Do a timeline of your life and review it because it will reassure you. Note the times when things didn't go well and then take note of the times when they did after you thought they wouldn't.  Our fear is usually in thinking life will not get better. It will!

Step 2.  This is only a test.  My faith plays a big part in my working things out and in the remembering and realizing that this situation will not last forever but IN FACT if I allow this moment in history to positively transform me, and to learn the vital life lessons I need to learn,  not only will I come through it better as a person but with a much brighter and happier perspective about life, love and people in general.  You might not feel positive or happy right now, but trust me, you will not feel this way forever. Take time to pamper yourself in little ways and just keep in mind that you will look back at this time in history and shake your head in amazement for what you endured and got through.

Step 3.  Your loss is temporary. I  remembered a time many years ago when my husband was very ill and I thought that "the good life" as we knew it was over and out. This is just not true. Hope, trust and idealism, particularly in the worst of days, is a big damn deal. And not on a superficial level either. What we are going through is just a life test on the way to even more abundance and prosperity. This is the Law of Attraction and the Law of Compensation. Never lose your hope that you will get double for your trouble in the future. This is not all there is!  After my husband recovered, and after we went through serious emotional and financial trials, not only did we 10 years later, go on a dream trip to Europe, but I finished my book. You will be happy again and life will be better again. Everything you lost will come back to you doubled or even tripled. Just don't lose hope or faith.  Study life laws while you are sequestered. It might be one of the best things you ever do!  Stay the course. Also, study "the greatest generation." These people made it through two world wars and the depression with some of the best inventions coming out of this time. Maybe it's time to dust off your long forgotten great ideas and dreams and do something about them.  See yourself as the comeback kid. Work hard and make the necessary changes to get through these difficult times but don't be too drastic because of panic or worry. Calm your mind with meditation a good walk and keep in mind a positive future vision for good times ahead.

Step 4.  Being sidetracked or blindsided will not change your destiny. Big world changes will not change the universal fact that your life has purpose,  that you have dreams, a bucket list you will complete, or a magnificent destiny. Once again this is just a test. However, it's during these big world tests that you might actually find another purpose for your life.  In my book I talked about my life changing drastically when my husband wanted to be a firefighter when I had plans to finish my media and communications degree.  While I did not get my media and communications degree, I did write a book about my experience as a reluctant fire wife to help other women who needed to live their dreams and have a life of their own too apart from the fire service! When we accept that plan A doesn't always work out and that we sometimes have to be flexible so Plan B, C or D can emerge instead, you will realize that Plan A just means you need Another plan, and B,C and D just means Best Choice Darling! Don't hold on to what was or what you hoped for at the expense of something unexpected but better. The universe does this to all of us sometimes but learning to surrender, learning to accept what is are very important practices for these times. We all have to make editorial changes to our lives from time to time and most of the time it is to prune what never really worked for us in the first place.

Step 5.  Lastly, nothing lasts forever  the good or bad. I told both my sons the other day that these are the good old days. With my 76 year old Mother now living with us - we moved her in almost a year ago and into my once upon a time office space, our two adult sons currently living at home while they save money to buy their respective condos in unaffordable Vancouver, their girlfriends who are over all the time, 2 dogs that have mucked up my hardwood floors, my husband who occupies our bedroom upstairs most of the time to zone out and watch all his red neck shows, and with me, trying to do my writing and work in the middle of the living room with the never ending swirl of activity as I try to think and create, I don't take for granted that I will one day look back at these days and remember them with enormous love and fondness. Are we squished on three floors? Oh yes. Does it take me three times as long to do any writing because of all the noise? Oh yes. But I have worked out my harsher feelings with these 5 steps and have most definitely learned the lessons of the past that we must embrace where we are right now, chaos, uncertainty and all. This will all be a memory one day and like I told my boys, this house is currently a launching pad for everyone's dreams! Life is good. Life will work out. And if you stay the course and stay positive and hopeful, you will be rewarded because the universe's abundant energy flow will be able to "download" itself into your unblocked spirit. It's the way life works.

Paying Attention to Feelings in Times of Sequester

Well life as we know it at this moment in history has certainly changed. We can either look at it as cozy and contented at home or confinement at home! If you are anything like me, possibly without all of the distractions of say shopping, lunch out with the girls, or a browse through the bookstore, thoughts are coming up that you usually suppress with outside distractions. For me I've been surprised by thoughts of resentment that I am having. I kept a happy disposition for the most part and could just run out and replace my resentment with something external and materialistic like a stack of new books - oh how I love my books. But now that we are right here right now unable to run away from our thoughts whatever they may be as there is not much else we can do but just be with ourselves, what might be coming up for you?

Being sequestered or isolated as they say on the news is an invitation to look deep within and address anything that needs addressing?

I realized that my resentment stemmed from feeling overly responsible to others. It is a trait that was bestowed on me since the time I was young and it is now taking it's toll.

This week I personally am going to try shaking feeling overly responsible for others and find a way to balance this out in a healthy feel good way. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this or how it will look but I will report any new insights I find on it!

So what is coming up for you and how would you like to address your feelings to become and feel better about yourself? You deserve to feel optimal my dear Fire Wife! Let's do this! XOXO

Dreams of Your Own

The trajectory of my life changed drastically when my husband wanted to become a firefighter. I had been going to college to get my media degree when he made this announcement. To say I was unhappy about his choice was an understatement. Since then however, I managed to turn what I perceived as a negative into a positive....and not in a Pollyanna way. I would come to realize that sometimes we aren't in charge of our calling. While I might have wanted to get into the media and communications field, that's not what God had in mind. Let's not forget that God wants us to trust him and he promises that he will turn all of our challenges, our hurt, our disillusionment, our failures, into something GOOD! I see this now. My book, Fire Wife, Indomitable Standing Strong in my Marriage, my Life and my Dreams is soon to be published. I am super proud of it....though I could still add some things and take some things out, it's time to let it go. It is my first book and I've many more to come. So yes, while my life trajectory was changed my goals and dreams morphed into something else, I am still using all of my skills, experience and writing. I am grateful, I am happy and I get it. Grow where you are planted my friend and trust. It'll all work out and even better than you thought it would. Persevere. XO

Finally Getting Back to Normal

Good morning! It's a beautiful day here already on the West Coast! I went to my doctor the other day to get more blood tests to see WHY I CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT! My doctor wrote out a requisition for blood tests and then handed me a prescription for diet pills. Can you believe it? While I'm judging people who've had to take drastic measures, the idea of numbing the pleasure center part of my brain with an anti-depressant seriously horrified me. It horrified me because I'd just had a revelation the week prior that I think women who are overweight are just a whole lot of pleasure with no where to go. In fact I think a woman's natural state needs to be fulfilled with beauty,  adventure and pleasure. If we filled ourselves up with this everyday, we would all be off the charts happy. When you are married to a firefighter, you often feel lonely, but you can also feel stuck. Especially if you have little kids that you are predominately responsible for. When your "BPA" is not being filled up you can long for something and not know what it is. Let's be honest here. Our guys take up a lot of time. But you need to start caring for yourself. I gained weight, a lot of it, over a period of about 9 years. The reason why I couldn't lose weight was because my mind body and spirit is tired of me trying and going on extreme diets. I'd go on an extreme diet for two weeks and my weight wouldn't budge. That is because while some diets work for some people, I need to follow a low carb and lower calorie way of eating. Thanks, or no thanks to all these crazy diet gurus that have messed with our minds for the past couple of decades, we as a nation have stopped "intuitive eating." Your body knows what it needs. So now I follow my own D.O.S.E. remedy. It's about getting all the pleasure centers of my brain going so that I feel good and even more optimistic. I'll talk more about this soon as I am currently losing weight MY WAY. No prescriptions for me. I was thinking the other day, our entire country is obsessed with weight loss to the point of our souls feeling ashamed while simultaneously loving cooking shows! We need to stop doing without and need to live with pleasure, every meal! There is nothing wrong with loving food! This is my journey for a while and I'll share it with you. XO

Make Yourself a Priority

As I put the finishing touches on my Fire Wife book, I am recounting two interviews I did with my friends who are also fire wives. Both of them have said that because a fire marriage is not an easy one, you have to really make yourself a priority. My friend Leanne cannot emphasize enough how important it is to make friends with the other women whose husbands share the same shift as yours. My other friend Tara, made herself a priority by focusing on her career once her children grew up. Both women feel filled up and very happy. Every week it is so important that as fire wives you are checking in with yourself and remembering what you need to be happy and filled up. It could be like Leanne and finding camaraderie with other fire wives satisfying, it could also be like Tara prioritizing your long awaited career and dreams. Whatever it is for you, take time to make sure that you are getting what you need. Time to yourself early in the morning? Exercise? Networking with others? I applaud you for who you are. As we know this life can be grueling in some respects, but it is also very rewarding and very fun. Make yourself a priority. XO

Happy New Dreams!

It might be January 3rd, but the truth is, I'm still playing Christmas music, I've still got my tree up (until this weekend) and I am still taking it easy. Though the menu plan has improved and I'm going to boot camp tonight, this week is very special to me. Though I celebrate and live my faith all year long, I still can't let the romance of the season slip past me without totally immersing myself in it. I don't want to say, wow, that went fast: you shop, you visit and eat and before you know it, it's all over! Christmas for me is divided up into three parts. Besides the obvious reason for the season, the first part is of course, The Frenzie (we shop, we drop). The second part is for Family (Christmas parties, Christmas Eve, Christmas Dinner) and then the third part I have deemed, FOR ME! While I absolutely love and feel spiritually full after the season, this is my time for a new journal, a new vision scrapbook and a new chapter. Also, I like to participate in the popular tradition of picking a word that will represent the year ahead but also a word that I can rely on and refer to throughout the year. I actually picked two words, as I always do: Chosen and Captain. The word chosen refers to a Bible passage, Mathew 22:14 "many are called but few are chosen." One has to really study this verse because the end is quite brutal but it is a parable after all and it is Jesus explaining it. When you are chosen it is because, I believe, you want to raise your standard for how you live, how you behave and how you treat others. More than that however I think it is about who is willing to come to the banquet that has been prepared for you, who is willing to partake and participate, to dress up for the King. The word Captain is about me navigating my own life, my ship. That I am the Captain of my own life, a co-Captain actually to my God, but a Captain. Then something funny happened on New Year's Eve. The word Crochet popped into my head and I just had this desire and urge to do it. So I watched a tutorial online, picked up some yarn and a crochet hook and I'm almost done a scarf. I think it looks pretty good for a beginner! I feel like this might be leading me somewhere!!! So my dear girl, woman, fire wife, I hope you find your word for the year, I hope you write down your dreams and goals and I wish you the Happiest of all New Years! I will be publishing my book this year and I can hardly wait. I might change the title, but the book of course is still the same, and it's for you. XO

Recurring Emotional Stress for Fire Wives

Fire Wives at one time or another will experience PTS (post traumatic stress) just because she is married to a firefighter. While what he sees each and everyday would destroy me, the type of PTS I'm speaking of is of an interpersonal level. Whatever he experiences or whatever he puts you through, he will transmit it and you will absorb it. It took me years to finally learn how to detach and let go some of the darker side that fire life can clobber you with. My husband went through a serious health crisis, had to take medications and subsequently had a personality change because of what was prescribed to him. We went through a couple of tough years there. I felt as though I didn't know my husband any longer. Fortunately we worked through it. We had counselling, we both improved our communication and expressing our needs and my husband went the natural way and no longer takes any prescriptions. Sometimes I'm amazed that we made it through. As for me, a fire wife, my God we endure a lot. But we are strong, we are indomitable and we know how to fight for our marriages  because we can see the forest through the trees and the much bigger picture of a great future together. As you know, many fire couples don't make it. But when you have two willing participants who work at healing both themselves and the marriage, you will be better than fine. Just hold on. Those winter periods feel uncertain, but please remember Spring is right around the corner.  The most important thing is that you take care of you first so that you operate from both a strong and a healthy place when you  begin to work on your marriage. Our marriages can be pretty overwhelming and intense with the focus mostly on your man. But I'm hear to tell you, you have to put yourself first. You have a life of your own and you must take care of you so you can also take care of him. I'm currently working with an editor on my book about fire marriages. I think it will really help so many couples. I can't wait to meet all of you out there when it's done and I visit your city. XO

Forbearance and the Fire Wife

I have a pack of virtues cards and love to sit by myself in the morning to choose two to see what character traits to practice and every time I pick a card it is never surprising but always incredible that I pick the ones I truly need. In this case the virtue of Forbearance has popped up everyday for the past week. One week and two days ago my Dad passed away on May 22, 2018 at 9:30 am. In the same month my husband was admitted to the emergency because his white blood cell count was at a zero. It's been a month filled with emotional overload, sadness, disillusionment and malaise. This morning I stayed in bed a little longer than normal feeling forlorn for all the things I've sacrificed at the expense of my own authentic life path. While I am an optimist and am flexible and fitting when life takes it's turns, when my husband's health once again changes the trajectory of our lives, I keep wondering when MY Spring time is coming? I keep getting dragged back into the end of winter from choices made by others that are unwise but ultimately affect my path, my journey and my disposition.  Yesterday I bumped into a married couple who I was once very good friends with. My husband's schedule and his devotion to only his own meant that friendship with these two fell onto the back burner and then got boxed up and put into the attic. The part of me that used to host parties with people that reflected my history and my interests are gone. There was something worldly, exciting and healthy about seeing my old friends. We laughed so easily and the conversation flowed as though it never stopped like a good bottle of red wine around a sturdy round wooden table. I envied their normal lives. While I have many beautiful supportive female friends, our couple friends outside of the fire life have grown and nurtured relationships with other couples outside of the fire service. I envy their normal lives and having this envy is obviously a part of my soul nudging me on for something more to bring forth what I've sacrificed burying an important part of me. And while I'd love to have other couples over, I'm afraid my husband's moody firefighter personality might treat them like they are his subordinates. There is a lot to think about. Yesterday my eldest son told me about the new Kanye West album and mentioned that there was a song on there dedicated to his wife Kim who has put up with so much from his bipolar personality. I think my son, witnessing what has been going on told me that story to give me hope. The virtue of forbearance means to be patient, to be courageous while in pain and while facing adversity it is acceptance in trying circumstances. Forbearance put another way means, long-suffering which in turn builds resilience. My astrology said that there would be relationship issues that would continue this year but eventually get better. I guess it is during these times and in the middle of forbearance we still must promise ourselves that we continue each day on the road of our dreams and when we are unhappy and long suffering, stay silent and restrain those angry emotions and feelings of being ripped off to endure the labor of wisdom being born. It is painful. I want to lash out at my husband for his repeated self-inflicted health problems but that would have unpleasant consequences. So today I will pray. I think with my father passing, I am simply seeing the reality of my life more clearly, what I've endured, sacrificed and put up with being married to a firefighter. Things I must change. There are places I must go and people I want to have back in my life. God willing, you've been good to me all of my life, please give me the courage to know how to deal with this firefighter of mine. We definitely need a new vision for our marriage.

The Insufferable Firefighter

If you could rank your husband's bad moods on a scale from 1-10 where would they land? Recently my husband landed in hospital again. This is the third time with a low white blood cell count. He was the most insufferable person leading up to this hospitalization and I can understand why. However, there is something about me and possibly you now, having learned to be independent and fend for yourself more often than not that you look at that man of yours and say, "get your shit together." I say this not because I am cold - I am just the opposite in fact. But if you are married to a firefighter, or at least the more egotistical kind, they think that the world revolves around them - and why wouldn't they, they are heroes, right? Additionally with respect to his bad health, it is unfortunately in my eyes completely self-inflicted. Firefighters are known to indulge too much in what is not necessarily good for them. Fast food, booze, and possibly chew tobacco. Check, check and check. I've watched as my husband comes home and really let's go. He lays in bed consistently in an air conditioned room, and doesn't move unless he needs to come downstairs to eat. I feel as though all of this is delayed grief having lost his mom and having watched his best friend who was also a firefighter spiral  into darkness all within two weeks of each other. Additionally, I don't nag or bitch at my husband. But when he landed in hospital again, something in me snapped. I wasn't putting up with this anymore. My own father is dying of cancer and has a lot of regrets. My husband will too if he doesn't take his mortality seriously. And those moods? No longer will I keep quiet and just accept this as part of the job. Well, it is part of the job, but I put up a big fat boundary with him that he is to never and I mean never speak to me rudely ever again. I am not here on earth to serve bad moods and then become depleted and crushed underneath the weight of them. As an indomitable fire wife, I've put up with a lot and I know you have to. I have paid my dues and I too have suffered as a result. This is a hard life, but this is the last straw. Toughen up girl. You've been nothing but supportive and committed to both him and his profession. You've been flexible and very accommodating. It's time to teach these guys how to treat their wives. Expect respect and you will get it. Set up strong boundary lines and be succinct in your language to him about what you will no longer accept, (don't get too wordy, they won't hear you.) This is your life and you must stand strong in it so that you can have a good one. My book is called The Indomitable Fire Wife: standing strong in your marriage, your life and your dreams. Focus on that and it will be published soon.  Love you!  XO

Where are You in All of This?

While having my book for Firefighter Wives edited the other day my editor said, "Wow, a firefighter's life takes precedence over his wife's."  It's true.  From their schedule, to filling in for an extra shift, trading holidays, volunteering, sleeping and sometimes working another job - not only is it true, but it is obvious to those who observe our marriage.

I think that the most important thing to remember is that as a fire wife, self-care and recognizing and realizing how important we are to our husband's career, but most importantly to our own life and dreams is crucial. It's easy to get swept up in the craziness of it all it, but by being conscious of  your individual needs, your husband's individual needs and collectively your marriage's needs, you'll find the craziness eventually transforms into a really good rhythm. So let's talk about you. How are you feeling about life and your marriage today? How are you feeling about yourself? Are you fulfilled? Are you overwhelmed? Is there something you are longing to try and do? Is your marriage going through a rough patch and you are worried? Here is what I want you to do. I want you to keep a journal. Even if you are not a writer, I've always believed that writing and reflecting are very therapeutic. I remember reading that from the heart and soul to the pen to the paper. There is something about actually writing that allows for your true and genuine thoughts to pour out. However, if you write long enough, the answers will come to. So today, when you have a moment, I want you to sit down with a cup of tea or a cup of coffee and I want you to reflect on where you are at, your level of happiness and then any issues you'd like to solve. We get so busy in our lives that your heart and soul can get ignored and then sadness or depression will set in. I remember hearing that anger is depression inside out. If you are disconnected and feeling discontent, I want you to be honest and spell it out in your journal. Write as if know one is looking! I don't want you to stay in disconnectedness and discontent however. I believe that we must always go into a pressing problem or issue in our life fully intent on a solution. Do not camp out in negativity or resentment. Remember, no one else can fulfill our lives only we can. Write out your dreams and then determine when you'd like to get started on things. Also if there is something blocking you from your blossom - your authentic self, your self-confidence and feelings of self-worth then it's time to perhaps seek out a life-coach or therapist. You are worth it and I want you to realize just how special you are and just how important your role in this great big life is.

Two Days...and Two Nights! Woo Hoo!

So Mrs. Firefighter wife, do you like those two nights on your own and how do you spend it?   Do you let the house go?  Do you hit the hay early with movies and popcorn in bed?  Having a couple of nights a week to myself is really perfect for me.  And I guess when you think about it, it's life's perfect balance for married couples isn't it?  We all need a little time to ourselves just to be.  How do you spend those nights on your own?  Oh, do tell.  XO

Happy New Year!

Well, that went fast!  And don't we say that every year.  It would appear that I didn't even blog during the Christmas season.  I love fresh starts and that is exactly what 2018 is to me, a fresh start.  My old trainer, who'd just started up her company again, messaged me to see if I'd be interested in boot camp again.  Ah, yes please.  I figured we'd start next week, you know, after the turkey coma evaporated.  Nope.  We started straight away, January 2.  As I ran, lifted medicine balls, did football runs, squats and push-ups, I was beyond grateful I was there because I am beyond out-a-shape.  I realized quite some time ago that I'd honestly "let-myself-go"  on the outside because I'd let it go on the inside.  For years, unbeknownst to my conscious mind, I gave too much to others and never enough to myself.  Even in the Bible it tells us to love others "as much as we love ourselves."  Well I certainly always felt as though I loved myself, however, actions always speak louder than words now don't they.  Recently my life has changed drastically with my sister who I love more than life.  Fresh out of a divorce, her and I made so many plans to start this exciting new life together, one that she didn't have with her ex because she was so unhappy with him.  The problem was that she got into a relationship immediately with a person who is not good for her.  Our relationship changed because of him so I told her I'd give her space to find herself and asked her not to call me or me call her.  While we are still polite and loving toward one another, it was a really hard tough love decision I had to make for so many reasons and it feels so anguishing and sad to me.  I could no longer stand by and support unconditionally an intense union rife with arguments, jealousy, and chaos.  I am 50 years old and I have now said no to having other people's problems infiltrate my life.  Not my problem.  Not my circus, not my monkeys as they say.  There comes a time when you have to make the hard decisions so that you can have a joyful and joy-filled life.  Walking away from my sister while she dates this red flag worries me because I do on some levels fear for her safety, her mental state, etc.  But if I grinned and bared this toxicity, one that actually also affected my sons and husband as well as one of my friends when "red-flag" joined us for Easter dinner, it would be in silent support and I can't lie.  To have an authentic life, we have to not only stand our ground but guard and protect our hearts too, for what goes in, will come out whether it be in your words, what you think and so forth.  Red flag has three drinking driving charges in his hometown and ran away several provinces away to escape jail time.  Red flag has no friends.  Red flag gave my friend and my son a chilling jealous look when they were around my sister.  I can only pray to God this ends and ends well.  While I kind of veered off into another story there, I hope you can see my point.  I was so busy supporting her in her life, the drama, the chaos, etc. that I lost myself.  I became this vessel where everyone, including an old friend could release all of their shit into my ear.  I would feel the toxicity and the negativity for days.  That in turn made me turn to unhealthy ways of dealing with all of "their problems" so I neglected myself.  Now I am solely focussed on my exercise and health as well as my creativity and the love of my stable and earthy friends and family.  I turn to God in these moments and trust that he will protect those who I love deeply and eventually turn everything to good.  Because I am married to a firefighter and because he needs my support and understanding and because it is a lot, I don't have much more to give to people who are not willing to change their own lives.  Often we find there are many people in this world who just like to talk about themselves and keep their victim role F-O-R-E-V-E-R - so you are just being used as a sounding bored and a cheerleader when they have no intention of garnering their own inner strength.  So now all of my strength is going toward lifting weights and having what I feel on the inside, now reflect on the outside.  What are your new life resolutions?  XO