When Your Son Says, "I want to be a firefighter."

When my eldest son told my husband and I he wanted to be a firefighter, I couldn't sleep that night. Any person who is with a firefighter and in particularly if you've been with a firefighter for a long while, you've seen what it does to them. You know where this is going to go. When my son told me he wanted to be a firefighter, I thought, there is just no preparing him for this. He wakes up today such a happy guy, he is nurturing to his dog and in his volunteer life to people who have no food, delivering groceries, helping friends to build a memorial playground for their deceased daughter and her boyfriend - he is there. But what will this do to him? What will it do to him when he learns that one bad day and night will pile up, layer after layer, after another. How will he go from car wreck and bagging up unidentifiable bodies to home where a happy wife and kids wait for him. Most likely he will just need to walk past them, up to a cool room to watch hours of mind numbing escapism instead of reliving tragedy after tragedy Yes there is the camaraderie, but there is also the initiation. The rookie year - the mental exhaustion of prank after prank; and so much to remember. Oh my God, your memory for chemistry combinations and the science of smoke, air, formulas, water pressure, has to be precise or someone could die.

On hot days I imagine my son in heavy turnout gear, sweating not only under a hot sun, but over hot pavement and hot twisted cars. I imagine my son walking up dozens of flights of stairs in smoky hallways carrying 40 lbs. of equipment.

My uncle was a firefighter.  My husband is a firefighter.  But my son?

Having a firefighter for partner is not easy. In fact, it is usually not the life you signed up for:  "Do you promise to be lonely, deal with moods, or PTSD?  You learn however to either sink or swim. You learn to see the positive (they are an amazing group of people) you learn to live the positive (more good days than bad days)  and you learn to focus on the positive (we are a lucky family with wonderful firefighter friends and support). If you don't, yes, you will sink.   My son believes he has the tools to work through those bad days because he was raised by me. (God I love that boy).  

My mother fears are valid  but they are not my son's. He has his path and most likely he will love his job. Most firefighters do. Even with all that they see, I would say that 99% of the firefighters I know say, "it is the best job on earth." 

We are living in vulnerable times. This is something I probably wouldn't be worrying about as deeply as I am if there wasn't so much angst and worry in the world right now. But I do believe that when fear comes up, we need to face it then ask ourselves if our fears are real or imagined? We are in a time of deep surrender and that can be tough when you are used to running the show!  There are a lot of things out of our hands right now but maybe that's what it is all about. Maybe this is the lesson.

The word TRUST came up for me today. In fact I just got a wonderful comment from another fire wife on my Instagram account that said, "trust in his training" though what she was referring to had nothing to do with my son. Her words however resonated with me. Within the embodiment of trust we have "faith, hope and a positive outlook." Life is good. God is good. Thank you for all of it.