Forbearance and the Fire Wife

I have a pack of virtues cards and love to sit by myself in the morning to choose two to see what character traits to practice and every time I pick a card it is never surprising but always incredible that I pick the ones I truly need. In this case the virtue of Forbearance has popped up everyday for the past week. One week and two days ago my Dad passed away on May 22, 2018 at 9:30 am. In the same month my husband was admitted to the emergency because his white blood cell count was at a zero. It's been a month filled with emotional overload, sadness, disillusionment and malaise. This morning I stayed in bed a little longer than normal feeling forlorn for all the things I've sacrificed at the expense of my own authentic life path. While I am an optimist and am flexible and fitting when life takes it's turns, when my husband's health once again changes the trajectory of our lives, I keep wondering when MY Spring time is coming? I keep getting dragged back into the end of winter from choices made by others that are unwise but ultimately affect my path, my journey and my disposition.  Yesterday I bumped into a married couple who I was once very good friends with. My husband's schedule and his devotion to only his own meant that friendship with these two fell onto the back burner and then got boxed up and put into the attic. The part of me that used to host parties with people that reflected my history and my interests are gone. There was something worldly, exciting and healthy about seeing my old friends. We laughed so easily and the conversation flowed as though it never stopped like a good bottle of red wine around a sturdy round wooden table. I envied their normal lives. While I have many beautiful supportive female friends, our couple friends outside of the fire life have grown and nurtured relationships with other couples outside of the fire service. I envy their normal lives and having this envy is obviously a part of my soul nudging me on for something more to bring forth what I've sacrificed burying an important part of me. And while I'd love to have other couples over, I'm afraid my husband's moody firefighter personality might treat them like they are his subordinates. There is a lot to think about. Yesterday my eldest son told me about the new Kanye West album and mentioned that there was a song on there dedicated to his wife Kim who has put up with so much from his bipolar personality. I think my son, witnessing what has been going on told me that story to give me hope. The virtue of forbearance means to be patient, to be courageous while in pain and while facing adversity it is acceptance in trying circumstances. Forbearance put another way means, long-suffering which in turn builds resilience. My astrology said that there would be relationship issues that would continue this year but eventually get better. I guess it is during these times and in the middle of forbearance we still must promise ourselves that we continue each day on the road of our dreams and when we are unhappy and long suffering, stay silent and restrain those angry emotions and feelings of being ripped off to endure the labor of wisdom being born. It is painful. I want to lash out at my husband for his repeated self-inflicted health problems but that would have unpleasant consequences. So today I will pray. I think with my father passing, I am simply seeing the reality of my life more clearly, what I've endured, sacrificed and put up with being married to a firefighter. Things I must change. There are places I must go and people I want to have back in my life. God willing, you've been good to me all of my life, please give me the courage to know how to deal with this firefighter of mine. We definitely need a new vision for our marriage.