Make Yourself a Priority

As I put the finishing touches on my Fire Wife book, I am recounting two interviews I did with my friends who are also fire wives. Both of them have said that because a fire marriage is not an easy one, you have to really make yourself a priority. My friend Leanne cannot emphasize enough how important it is to make friends with the other women whose husbands share the same shift as yours. My other friend Tara, made herself a priority by focusing on her career once her children grew up. Both women feel filled up and very happy. Every week it is so important that as fire wives you are checking in with yourself and remembering what you need to be happy and filled up. It could be like Leanne and finding camaraderie with other fire wives satisfying, it could also be like Tara prioritizing your long awaited career and dreams. Whatever it is for you, take time to make sure that you are getting what you need. Time to yourself early in the morning? Exercise? Networking with others? I applaud you for who you are. As we know this life can be grueling in some respects, but it is also very rewarding and very fun. Make yourself a priority. XO

Happy New Dreams!

It might be January 3rd, but the truth is, I'm still playing Christmas music, I've still got my tree up (until this weekend) and I am still taking it easy. Though the menu plan has improved and I'm going to boot camp tonight, this week is very special to me. Though I celebrate and live my faith all year long, I still can't let the romance of the season slip past me without totally immersing myself in it. I don't want to say, wow, that went fast: you shop, you visit and eat and before you know it, it's all over! Christmas for me is divided up into three parts. Besides the obvious reason for the season, the first part is of course, The Frenzie (we shop, we drop). The second part is for Family (Christmas parties, Christmas Eve, Christmas Dinner) and then the third part I have deemed, FOR ME! While I absolutely love and feel spiritually full after the season, this is my time for a new journal, a new vision scrapbook and a new chapter. Also, I like to participate in the popular tradition of picking a word that will represent the year ahead but also a word that I can rely on and refer to throughout the year. I actually picked two words, as I always do: Chosen and Captain. The word chosen refers to a Bible passage, Mathew 22:14 "many are called but few are chosen." One has to really study this verse because the end is quite brutal but it is a parable after all and it is Jesus explaining it. When you are chosen it is because, I believe, you want to raise your standard for how you live, how you behave and how you treat others. More than that however I think it is about who is willing to come to the banquet that has been prepared for you, who is willing to partake and participate, to dress up for the King. The word Captain is about me navigating my own life, my ship. That I am the Captain of my own life, a co-Captain actually to my God, but a Captain. Then something funny happened on New Year's Eve. The word Crochet popped into my head and I just had this desire and urge to do it. So I watched a tutorial online, picked up some yarn and a crochet hook and I'm almost done a scarf. I think it looks pretty good for a beginner! I feel like this might be leading me somewhere!!! So my dear girl, woman, fire wife, I hope you find your word for the year, I hope you write down your dreams and goals and I wish you the Happiest of all New Years! I will be publishing my book this year and I can hardly wait. I might change the title, but the book of course is still the same, and it's for you. XO

Recurring Emotional Stress for Fire Wives

Fire Wives at one time or another will experience PTS (post traumatic stress) just because she is married to a firefighter. While what he sees each and everyday would destroy me, the type of PTS I'm speaking of is of an interpersonal level. Whatever he experiences or whatever he puts you through, he will transmit it and you will absorb it. It took me years to finally learn how to detach and let go some of the darker side that fire life can clobber you with. My husband went through a serious health crisis, had to take medications and subsequently had a personality change because of what was prescribed to him. We went through a couple of tough years there. I felt as though I didn't know my husband any longer. Fortunately we worked through it. We had counselling, we both improved our communication and expressing our needs and my husband went the natural way and no longer takes any prescriptions. Sometimes I'm amazed that we made it through. As for me, a fire wife, my God we endure a lot. But we are strong, we are indomitable and we know how to fight for our marriages  because we can see the forest through the trees and the much bigger picture of a great future together. As you know, many fire couples don't make it. But when you have two willing participants who work at healing both themselves and the marriage, you will be better than fine. Just hold on. Those winter periods feel uncertain, but please remember Spring is right around the corner.  The most important thing is that you take care of you first so that you operate from both a strong and a healthy place when you  begin to work on your marriage. Our marriages can be pretty overwhelming and intense with the focus mostly on your man. But I'm hear to tell you, you have to put yourself first. You have a life of your own and you must take care of you so you can also take care of him. I'm currently working with an editor on my book about fire marriages. I think it will really help so many couples. I can't wait to meet all of you out there when it's done and I visit your city. XO

Forbearance and the Fire Wife

I have a pack of virtues cards and love to sit by myself in the morning to choose two to see what character traits to practice and every time I pick a card it is never surprising but always incredible that I pick the ones I truly need. In this case the virtue of Forbearance has popped up everyday for the past week. One week and two days ago my Dad passed away on May 22, 2018 at 9:30 am. In the same month my husband was admitted to the emergency because his white blood cell count was at a zero. It's been a month filled with emotional overload, sadness, disillusionment and malaise. This morning I stayed in bed a little longer than normal feeling forlorn for all the things I've sacrificed at the expense of my own authentic life path. While I am an optimist and am flexible and fitting when life takes it's turns, when my husband's health once again changes the trajectory of our lives, I keep wondering when MY Spring time is coming? I keep getting dragged back into the end of winter from choices made by others that are unwise but ultimately affect my path, my journey and my disposition.  Yesterday I bumped into a married couple who I was once very good friends with. My husband's schedule and his devotion to only his own meant that friendship with these two fell onto the back burner and then got boxed up and put into the attic. The part of me that used to host parties with people that reflected my history and my interests are gone. There was something worldly, exciting and healthy about seeing my old friends. We laughed so easily and the conversation flowed as though it never stopped like a good bottle of red wine around a sturdy round wooden table. I envied their normal lives. While I have many beautiful supportive female friends, our couple friends outside of the fire life have grown and nurtured relationships with other couples outside of the fire service. I envy their normal lives and having this envy is obviously a part of my soul nudging me on for something more to bring forth what I've sacrificed burying an important part of me. And while I'd love to have other couples over, I'm afraid my husband's moody firefighter personality might treat them like they are his subordinates. There is a lot to think about. Yesterday my eldest son told me about the new Kanye West album and mentioned that there was a song on there dedicated to his wife Kim who has put up with so much from his bipolar personality. I think my son, witnessing what has been going on told me that story to give me hope. The virtue of forbearance means to be patient, to be courageous while in pain and while facing adversity it is acceptance in trying circumstances. Forbearance put another way means, long-suffering which in turn builds resilience. My astrology said that there would be relationship issues that would continue this year but eventually get better. I guess it is during these times and in the middle of forbearance we still must promise ourselves that we continue each day on the road of our dreams and when we are unhappy and long suffering, stay silent and restrain those angry emotions and feelings of being ripped off to endure the labor of wisdom being born. It is painful. I want to lash out at my husband for his repeated self-inflicted health problems but that would have unpleasant consequences. So today I will pray. I think with my father passing, I am simply seeing the reality of my life more clearly, what I've endured, sacrificed and put up with being married to a firefighter. Things I must change. There are places I must go and people I want to have back in my life. God willing, you've been good to me all of my life, please give me the courage to know how to deal with this firefighter of mine. We definitely need a new vision for our marriage.

The Insufferable Firefighter

If you could rank your husband's bad moods on a scale from 1-10 where would they land? Recently my husband landed in hospital again. This is the third time with a low white blood cell count. He was the most insufferable person leading up to this hospitalization and I can understand why. However, there is something about me and possibly you now, having learned to be independent and fend for yourself more often than not that you look at that man of yours and say, "get your shit together." I say this not because I am cold - I am just the opposite in fact. But if you are married to a firefighter, or at least the more egotistical kind, they think that the world revolves around them - and why wouldn't they, they are heroes, right? Additionally with respect to his bad health, it is unfortunately in my eyes completely self-inflicted. Firefighters are known to indulge too much in what is not necessarily good for them. Fast food, booze, and possibly chew tobacco. Check, check and check. I've watched as my husband comes home and really let's go. He lays in bed consistently in an air conditioned room, and doesn't move unless he needs to come downstairs to eat. I feel as though all of this is delayed grief having lost his mom and having watched his best friend who was also a firefighter spiral  into darkness all within two weeks of each other. Additionally, I don't nag or bitch at my husband. But when he landed in hospital again, something in me snapped. I wasn't putting up with this anymore. My own father is dying of cancer and has a lot of regrets. My husband will too if he doesn't take his mortality seriously. And those moods? No longer will I keep quiet and just accept this as part of the job. Well, it is part of the job, but I put up a big fat boundary with him that he is to never and I mean never speak to me rudely ever again. I am not here on earth to serve bad moods and then become depleted and crushed underneath the weight of them. As an indomitable fire wife, I've put up with a lot and I know you have to. I have paid my dues and I too have suffered as a result. This is a hard life, but this is the last straw. Toughen up girl. You've been nothing but supportive and committed to both him and his profession. You've been flexible and very accommodating. It's time to teach these guys how to treat their wives. Expect respect and you will get it. Set up strong boundary lines and be succinct in your language to him about what you will no longer accept, (don't get too wordy, they won't hear you.) This is your life and you must stand strong in it so that you can have a good one. My book is called The Indomitable Fire Wife: standing strong in your marriage, your life and your dreams. Focus on that and it will be published soon.  Love you!  XO

Where are You in All of This?

While having my book for Firefighter Wives edited the other day my editor said, "Wow, a firefighter's life takes precedence over his wife's."  It's true.  From their schedule, to filling in for an extra shift, trading holidays, volunteering, sleeping and sometimes working another job - not only is it true, but it is obvious to those who observe our marriage.

I think that the most important thing to remember is that as a fire wife, self-care and recognizing and realizing how important we are to our husband's career, but most importantly to our own life and dreams is crucial. It's easy to get swept up in the craziness of it all it, but by being conscious of  your individual needs, your husband's individual needs and collectively your marriage's needs, you'll find the craziness eventually transforms into a really good rhythm. So let's talk about you. How are you feeling about life and your marriage today? How are you feeling about yourself? Are you fulfilled? Are you overwhelmed? Is there something you are longing to try and do? Is your marriage going through a rough patch and you are worried? Here is what I want you to do. I want you to keep a journal. Even if you are not a writer, I've always believed that writing and reflecting are very therapeutic. I remember reading that from the heart and soul to the pen to the paper. There is something about actually writing that allows for your true and genuine thoughts to pour out. However, if you write long enough, the answers will come to. So today, when you have a moment, I want you to sit down with a cup of tea or a cup of coffee and I want you to reflect on where you are at, your level of happiness and then any issues you'd like to solve. We get so busy in our lives that your heart and soul can get ignored and then sadness or depression will set in. I remember hearing that anger is depression inside out. If you are disconnected and feeling discontent, I want you to be honest and spell it out in your journal. Write as if know one is looking! I don't want you to stay in disconnectedness and discontent however. I believe that we must always go into a pressing problem or issue in our life fully intent on a solution. Do not camp out in negativity or resentment. Remember, no one else can fulfill our lives only we can. Write out your dreams and then determine when you'd like to get started on things. Also if there is something blocking you from your blossom - your authentic self, your self-confidence and feelings of self-worth then it's time to perhaps seek out a life-coach or therapist. You are worth it and I want you to realize just how special you are and just how important your role in this great big life is.

Two Days...and Two Nights! Woo Hoo!

So Mrs. Firefighter wife, do you like those two nights on your own and how do you spend it?   Do you let the house go?  Do you hit the hay early with movies and popcorn in bed?  Having a couple of nights a week to myself is really perfect for me.  And I guess when you think about it, it's life's perfect balance for married couples isn't it?  We all need a little time to ourselves just to be.  How do you spend those nights on your own?  Oh, do tell.  XO