Recurring Emotional Stress for Fire Wives

Fire Wives at one time or another will experience PTS (post traumatic stress) just because she is married to a firefighter. While what he sees each and everyday would destroy me, the type of PTS I'm speaking of is of an interpersonal level. Whatever he experiences or whatever he puts you through, he will transmit it and you will absorb it. It took me years to finally learn how to detach and let go some of the darker side that fire life can clobber you with. My husband went through a serious health crisis, had to take medications and subsequently had a personality change because of what was prescribed to him. We went through a couple of tough years there. I felt as though I didn't know my husband any longer. Fortunately we worked through it. We had counselling, we both improved our communication and expressing our needs and my husband went the natural way and no longer takes any prescriptions. Sometimes I'm amazed that we made it through. As for me, a fire wife, my God we endure a lot. But we are strong, we are indomitable and we know how to fight for our marriages  because we can see the forest through the trees and the much bigger picture of a great future together. As you know, many fire couples don't make it. But when you have two willing participants who work at healing both themselves and the marriage, you will be better than fine. Just hold on. Those winter periods feel uncertain, but please remember Spring is right around the corner.  The most important thing is that you take care of you first so that you operate from both a strong and a healthy place when you  begin to work on your marriage. Our marriages can be pretty overwhelming and intense with the focus mostly on your man. But I'm hear to tell you, you have to put yourself first. You have a life of your own and you must take care of you so you can also take care of him. I'm currently working with an editor on my book about fire marriages. I think it will really help so many couples. I can't wait to meet all of you out there when it's done and I visit your city. XO

Forbearance and the Fire Wife

I have a pack of virtues cards and love to sit by myself in the morning to choose two to see what character traits to practice and every time I pick a card it is never surprising but always incredible that I pick the ones I truly need. In this case the virtue of Forbearance has popped up everyday for the past week. One week and two days ago my Dad passed away on May 22, 2018 at 9:30 am. In the same month my husband was admitted to the emergency because his white blood cell count was at a zero. It's been a month filled with emotional overload, sadness, disillusionment and malaise. This morning I stayed in bed a little longer than normal feeling forlorn for all the things I've sacrificed at the expense of my own authentic life path. While I am an optimist and am flexible and fitting when life takes it's turns, when my husband's health once again changes the trajectory of our lives, I keep wondering when MY Spring time is coming? I keep getting dragged back into the end of winter from choices made by others that are unwise but ultimately affect my path, my journey and my disposition.  Yesterday I bumped into a married couple who I was once very good friends with. My husband's schedule and his devotion to only his own meant that friendship with these two fell onto the back burner and then got boxed up and put into the attic. The part of me that used to host parties with people that reflected my history and my interests are gone. There was something worldly, exciting and healthy about seeing my old friends. We laughed so easily and the conversation flowed as though it never stopped like a good bottle of red wine around a sturdy round wooden table. I envied their normal lives. While I have many beautiful supportive female friends, our couple friends outside of the fire life have grown and nurtured relationships with other couples outside of the fire service. I envy their normal lives and having this envy is obviously a part of my soul nudging me on for something more to bring forth what I've sacrificed burying an important part of me. And while I'd love to have other couples over, I'm afraid my husband's moody firefighter personality might treat them like they are his subordinates. There is a lot to think about. Yesterday my eldest son told me about the new Kanye West album and mentioned that there was a song on there dedicated to his wife Kim who has put up with so much from his bipolar personality. I think my son, witnessing what has been going on told me that story to give me hope. The virtue of forbearance means to be patient, to be courageous while in pain and while facing adversity it is acceptance in trying circumstances. Forbearance put another way means, long-suffering which in turn builds resilience. My astrology said that there would be relationship issues that would continue this year but eventually get better. I guess it is during these times and in the middle of forbearance we still must promise ourselves that we continue each day on the road of our dreams and when we are unhappy and long suffering, stay silent and restrain those angry emotions and feelings of being ripped off to endure the labor of wisdom being born. It is painful. I want to lash out at my husband for his repeated self-inflicted health problems but that would have unpleasant consequences. So today I will pray. I think with my father passing, I am simply seeing the reality of my life more clearly, what I've endured, sacrificed and put up with being married to a firefighter. Things I must change. There are places I must go and people I want to have back in my life. God willing, you've been good to me all of my life, please give me the courage to know how to deal with this firefighter of mine. We definitely need a new vision for our marriage.

The Insufferable Firefighter

If you could rank your husband's bad moods on a scale from 1-10 where would they land? Recently my husband landed in hospital again. This is the third time with a low white blood cell count. He was the most insufferable person leading up to this hospitalization and I can understand why. However, there is something about me and possibly you now, having learned to be independent and fend for yourself more often than not that you look at that man of yours and say, "get your shit together." I say this not because I am cold - I am just the opposite in fact. But if you are married to a firefighter, or at least the more egotistical kind, they think that the world revolves around them - and why wouldn't they, they are heroes, right? Additionally with respect to his bad health, it is unfortunately in my eyes completely self-inflicted. Firefighters are known to indulge too much in what is not necessarily good for them. Fast food, booze, and possibly chew tobacco. Check, check and check. I've watched as my husband comes home and really let's go. He lays in bed consistently in an air conditioned room, and doesn't move unless he needs to come downstairs to eat. I feel as though all of this is delayed grief having lost his mom and having watched his best friend who was also a firefighter spiral  into darkness all within two weeks of each other. Additionally, I don't nag or bitch at my husband. But when he landed in hospital again, something in me snapped. I wasn't putting up with this anymore. My own father is dying of cancer and has a lot of regrets. My husband will too if he doesn't take his mortality seriously. And those moods? No longer will I keep quiet and just accept this as part of the job. Well, it is part of the job, but I put up a big fat boundary with him that he is to never and I mean never speak to me rudely ever again. I am not here on earth to serve bad moods and then become depleted and crushed underneath the weight of them. As an indomitable fire wife, I've put up with a lot and I know you have to. I have paid my dues and I too have suffered as a result. This is a hard life, but this is the last straw. Toughen up girl. You've been nothing but supportive and committed to both him and his profession. You've been flexible and very accommodating. It's time to teach these guys how to treat their wives. Expect respect and you will get it. Set up strong boundary lines and be succinct in your language to him about what you will no longer accept, (don't get too wordy, they won't hear you.) This is your life and you must stand strong in it so that you can have a good one. My book is called The Indomitable Fire Wife: standing strong in your marriage, your life and your dreams. Focus on that and it will be published soon.  Love you!  XO

Where are You in All of This?

While having my book for Firefighter Wives edited the other day my editor said, "Wow, a firefighter's life takes precedence over his wife's."  It's true.  From their schedule, to filling in for an extra shift, trading holidays, volunteering, sleeping and sometimes working another job - not only is it true, but it is obvious to those who observe our marriage.

I think that the most important thing to remember is that as a fire wife, self-care and recognizing and realizing how important we are to our husband's career, but most importantly to our own life and dreams is crucial. It's easy to get swept up in the craziness of it all it, but by being conscious of  your individual needs, your husband's individual needs and collectively your marriage's needs, you'll find the craziness eventually transforms into a really good rhythm. So let's talk about you. How are you feeling about life and your marriage today? How are you feeling about yourself? Are you fulfilled? Are you overwhelmed? Is there something you are longing to try and do? Is your marriage going through a rough patch and you are worried? Here is what I want you to do. I want you to keep a journal. Even if you are not a writer, I've always believed that writing and reflecting are very therapeutic. I remember reading that from the heart and soul to the pen to the paper. There is something about actually writing that allows for your true and genuine thoughts to pour out. However, if you write long enough, the answers will come to. So today, when you have a moment, I want you to sit down with a cup of tea or a cup of coffee and I want you to reflect on where you are at, your level of happiness and then any issues you'd like to solve. We get so busy in our lives that your heart and soul can get ignored and then sadness or depression will set in. I remember hearing that anger is depression inside out. If you are disconnected and feeling discontent, I want you to be honest and spell it out in your journal. Write as if know one is looking! I don't want you to stay in disconnectedness and discontent however. I believe that we must always go into a pressing problem or issue in our life fully intent on a solution. Do not camp out in negativity or resentment. Remember, no one else can fulfill our lives only we can. Write out your dreams and then determine when you'd like to get started on things. Also if there is something blocking you from your blossom - your authentic self, your self-confidence and feelings of self-worth then it's time to perhaps seek out a life-coach or therapist. You are worth it and I want you to realize just how special you are and just how important your role in this great big life is.

Two Days...and Two Nights! Woo Hoo!

So Mrs. Firefighter wife, do you like those two nights on your own and how do you spend it?   Do you let the house go?  Do you hit the hay early with movies and popcorn in bed?  Having a couple of nights a week to myself is really perfect for me.  And I guess when you think about it, it's life's perfect balance for married couples isn't it?  We all need a little time to ourselves just to be.  How do you spend those nights on your own?  Oh, do tell.  XO

Happy New Year!

Well, that went fast!  And don't we say that every year.  It would appear that I didn't even blog during the Christmas season.  I love fresh starts and that is exactly what 2018 is to me, a fresh start.  My old trainer, who'd just started up her company again, messaged me to see if I'd be interested in boot camp again.  Ah, yes please.  I figured we'd start next week, you know, after the turkey coma evaporated.  Nope.  We started straight away, January 2.  As I ran, lifted medicine balls, did football runs, squats and push-ups, I was beyond grateful I was there because I am beyond out-a-shape.  I realized quite some time ago that I'd honestly "let-myself-go"  on the outside because I'd let it go on the inside.  For years, unbeknownst to my conscious mind, I gave too much to others and never enough to myself.  Even in the Bible it tells us to love others "as much as we love ourselves."  Well I certainly always felt as though I loved myself, however, actions always speak louder than words now don't they.  Recently my life has changed drastically with my sister who I love more than life.  Fresh out of a divorce, her and I made so many plans to start this exciting new life together, one that she didn't have with her ex because she was so unhappy with him.  The problem was that she got into a relationship immediately with a person who is not good for her.  Our relationship changed because of him so I told her I'd give her space to find herself and asked her not to call me or me call her.  While we are still polite and loving toward one another, it was a really hard tough love decision I had to make for so many reasons and it feels so anguishing and sad to me.  I could no longer stand by and support unconditionally an intense union rife with arguments, jealousy, and chaos.  I am 50 years old and I have now said no to having other people's problems infiltrate my life.  Not my problem.  Not my circus, not my monkeys as they say.  There comes a time when you have to make the hard decisions so that you can have a joyful and joy-filled life.  Walking away from my sister while she dates this red flag worries me because I do on some levels fear for her safety, her mental state, etc.  But if I grinned and bared this toxicity, one that actually also affected my sons and husband as well as one of my friends when "red-flag" joined us for Easter dinner, it would be in silent support and I can't lie.  To have an authentic life, we have to not only stand our ground but guard and protect our hearts too, for what goes in, will come out whether it be in your words, what you think and so forth.  Red flag has three drinking driving charges in his hometown and ran away several provinces away to escape jail time.  Red flag has no friends.  Red flag gave my friend and my son a chilling jealous look when they were around my sister.  I can only pray to God this ends and ends well.  While I kind of veered off into another story there, I hope you can see my point.  I was so busy supporting her in her life, the drama, the chaos, etc. that I lost myself.  I became this vessel where everyone, including an old friend could release all of their shit into my ear.  I would feel the toxicity and the negativity for days.  That in turn made me turn to unhealthy ways of dealing with all of "their problems" so I neglected myself.  Now I am solely focussed on my exercise and health as well as my creativity and the love of my stable and earthy friends and family.  I turn to God in these moments and trust that he will protect those who I love deeply and eventually turn everything to good.  Because I am married to a firefighter and because he needs my support and understanding and because it is a lot, I don't have much more to give to people who are not willing to change their own lives.  Often we find there are many people in this world who just like to talk about themselves and keep their victim role F-O-R-E-V-E-R - so you are just being used as a sounding bored and a cheerleader when they have no intention of garnering their own inner strength.  So now all of my strength is going toward lifting weights and having what I feel on the inside, now reflect on the outside.  What are your new life resolutions?  XO