Retirement, New Recruits and Everything Inbetween

I was at a retirement and new recruit dinner last night.  We all sat at tables that were already designated which was a first but I love meeting new people and met some really great ones last night.  I got weepy when the pageantry began as men marched into the room to the sound of bag pipes.  It felt solemn last night though.  So much had happened at the department over the last few years and instead of getting better, it seemed to only get worse with the lack of moral some of the more ambitious higher-ups brought to the top that was now beginning to trickle down.  As each retiree got up to speak, they all thanked their wives profusely for "putting up with them."  The truth was as far as firefighter marriages go, no truer sentence has ever been spoken.

It's tough being married to these guys and to list all the whys somehow feels like we are only looking at the bad stuff.  But that's not true.  There are many things I love about being married to a hero.  And that word right there also is the truest one word sentence I know.  We listened to speeches from opposite ends of the career perspective.  Some of the retirees, unbeknownst to me, left under very convoluted circumstances.  One man talked about his breakdown and told all the current firefighters and newbies, "Don't hold it in.  Talk to someone."  Another retiree got up and apologized for the way he left."  I have no idea what happened.  At the beginning however an older chief but rather new to his position apologized to 200 people for not handling things properly when there have been problems and he was right, he had really screwed up.  The problem I would conclude in my own opinion of course, was that ambition trumped interpersonal skills with some of these guys and they just didn't show the kindness, compassion or respect to those who came to them with problems.  This was a new happening.  In years past there had always been a maturity with many of the Chiefs who had old school integrity and honor.  Something was seriously lacking these days but getting too big for those britches and letting ego and image prevail over a person's dignity, will bite you in the ass every time.  Firefighters and their wives are after all, still human beings with feelings.  Returning to old school honor but with new ideas was on the horizon but they really needed to get back to the drawing board.

Nevertheless,  here we were, a room filled with so many wives that were brand new to this and so many who were old hats that could help them along.  How I wondered, could I connect the two?  After all, there was just no way of connecting the two without rousing suspicion from some of these men in uniform. As I have mentioned, they know they are hard to live with and after hearing their speeches tonight thanking their wives for "putting up with them"  some, as I had experienced were not supportive of their wives getting together to discuss marriage if they weren't invited or didn't know what was being discussed.  Yes, firefighters can be controlling because they experience so much uncontrolled tragedies.   But here is the thing:  not many guys are interested in talking about their relationships is a "group therapy" atmosphere.  Unless, I have found, they are a man of faith where marriage weekends put on by churches are all the norm, most men are not interested.  While my husband, in an informal atmosphere would talk about it, anything arranged, booked, or put on the calendar does not appeal.  "Just give me a list and tell me what to do" he'd say.  Women on the other hand love to get together to share and talk about their experiences.  As well, whatever they learn from talking and then implementing in their marriage will only benefit hubby in the long run.  Like that retired firefighter said, "don't hold it in, talk about it."  With mental illness at the forefront and getting the conversation, recognition and attention is so very badly deserves, it was good to hear our older firefighters open up honestly to a room filled with people about some of the personal hardships they'd experienced after years in the service.  Like TEMA says, Heros are Human too.  We all are.  Let's make helping each other the truest sentence we know.  XO

Goal: To Inspire Lower Divorce Rates Amoungst Firefighter Marriages

There is a very large divorce rate amongst firefighter marriages.  Divorce amongst firefighters and their wives is even higher than the national average. Why?  Because it's really hard being married to a firefighter!  I began writing my book several years ago because there wasn't a whole lot on the book shelves at Chapters when I went on a desperate search to find out how to navigate this very unique marriage.  As my book unfolded I was able to find so many answers to my questions but nothing beats years of experience.  It is my purpose to write and to help  other FF wives who are as disillusioned as I used to be.  I love that I have come through some very rough patches with my husband to now have a really comfortable and solid happy marriage. What I had suffered at the beginning in my new role as a firefighter wife has meaning and is now a very large part of my life purpose.    What is so wonderful is that there can never be enough books on the topic of Firefighter marriage so if it has ever been in your heart to write a book or a blog, then you must and you have my support!  Your unique perspective will help many people.   As I get ready to go to a retirement and new recruit dinner tonight, I look forward to meeting our younger and newer firefighter wife sisters.  I want to be a mentor to them if they need me.  No wife should have to go through this alone.  One thing that I keep going back to that keeps me going, is that the divorce rate is just too high.  That means that there really isn't enough support and help to make deep and lasting changes to help these marriages.   I am happy to share with you my story and my lessons and am looking forward to hopefully inspiring you to a better marriage.

The Last Night Shift and He's Comin' Home, Yikes!

Fortunately, not anymore, but for many years prior, and before I had THERAPY, my stomach would be in absolute knots when my firefighter was on his way home after two night shifts.  Being a firefighter wife, you know what your man will be like when he gets home.  I guess also depending on his natural disposition, you have an idea of what you will be in for.  For me, I suffered serious anxiety because to put it bluntly, my husband could be a F-ing nightmare.  I knew his routine and like a hamster running around their cage, he would actually come home and do the oddest things before making his nest and conking out for a day or two.  I remember thinking, "how can the fire department even count the day he gets home after his last night shift as his first day off?"  They aren't even cognizant.  I was an "in shock" firefighter wife and would just accept my husband's rude and critical behavior not knowing what else to do and not having a single tool in my firefighter marriage tool box for dealing with this stuff.  His mind, obviously racing and in disarray and discomfort from whatever he saw the night before, projected itself into our family's morning.  He'd lob a million questions at me, slam the porch lights off, open closet doors and kitchen drawers for inspection and then scoff at or maybe eat some of the dinner I made the night before.  Finally, he would head up to bed where it would take him hours to come down - stone faced and expressionless.  It was then, when he was fast asleep that I could finally read the truth of what last night did to him.  In dealing with my anxiety, I learned early on with our firefighter marriage, to get the hell out of Dodge.  I could spend hours outside of the house running errands, going to the bookstore, or going for a walk or lunch with a friend, timing just how long it would take him to fall asleep.  Most of the time I tried to leave before he got home but as you know, it doesn't always work out that way.  Sometimes he would "catch me" before I took off and of course pepper me with questions about the boys, if their homework was done, etc.  Over time I learned not to take these moods seriously.  Over time I toughened up and for years we would have our standard "last night shift argument."  Arguing however every 12 days is not healthy so I had to understand why I let him get to me so badly and then stop it.  As I mentioned I went to therapy for a very long time, 8 months in fact.  I had found that my husband's firefighter career had really kicked the crap out of my self-esteem and confidence.  When he was critical at say a messy refrigerator or utensil drawer or how I loaded the dishwasher, I felt embarrassed and ashamed - I mean who can compete with the fire hall's organization?  But I also felt second best because where I once was his go to for advice, his brothers at the hall knew things before me or he'd run things by them first, before me.  This was very detrimental to our relationship and it really hurt me to the core.  I had to reclaim my crown and my position as his wife and I needed to be treated with respect.  While it took a long time for me to finally get the help that I needed so that I could reassert my importance and worth in this marriage, my therapy really helped.   I needed to be the strong and confident one for the both of us.  I needed to guide my husband toward better ways of dealing with the crash after his last night shift instead of taking his horror out on me with his moods.  One of the things I encouraged him to do was not come home right away, but to take himself out for a coffee and a crossword at a nice coffee shop.  We also own a little engraving store, so sometimes he would stop in there too to check the orders and next week's work with the TV on and some quiet time.  This really worked well.  Not having him come home right away was a God sent and it gave me time to have a good morning as well.  As well my husband had to learn how to communicate what was going on inside his head with me but often felt frustrated because I would constantly interject or try and fix his feelings instead of just letting him just talk.  I had lots to learn too.  Now when my hubby comes home, he's already come down from the night before and I'd get a kiss instead of shit from him.  If he likes I'll run a nice tub for him and I can stand in the bathroom while he soaks and after asking how the night went, just let him talk.  After a bite to eat, a warm bath and a successful transfer from the fire hall to home my man is ready for sleep and we both feel good.  He no longer makes the rounds driving the entire household crazy and I no longer suffer anxiety.   As a firefighter wife we are always in the position of influencing our guys and finding ways to make our lives better.  No one should live feeling anxious or second best.  Reclaim your crown.  XO

The Indomitable Firefighter Wife

I have a question for you?  Have you stopped to give yourself a big fat pat on the back today?  I'm serious.  Do you even know who you are?  Today as you go about your day, your routine and your to-do-list, I want you to take a few minutes to remind yourself of what an incredible woman you are.  There's an old quote that says, "Behind every great man, there is a great woman."  That quote is all about you (though you also need a life of your own).  Your husband could not do what he does without you.  And if you think about it, the department does not succeed well without you either.  Where the divorce rate is off the charts in the fire department, it is a known fact that when a marriage breaks apart, the firefighter simply does not do well - which in turn affects the fire department in so many ways.  You deserve way more recognition than you get to be honest, but your husband knows he couldn't do it without you.  Today I want you to remember who you are:  a powerful woman who is  strong, reliable, responsible, and sexy.  You're a woman who keeps the home fires burning, has the social calendar organized but has to remind him 10 times, is a counsellor to many including your man, and you have a wicked sense of humor to match his  You're independent, because you've had to be, and you've learned to be tough and brave just from having to stand your ground against his moods and crankiness.  I just want to hug you for also finding a place of your own in the overwhelming biz of being married to a firefighter.  Though he may complain that you're not bringing in enough money when you host parties to sell something you're interested in, you keep on going.  You've learned or at least I want you to, to stay true to yourself and persevere.  I'm proud of you.  You've sacrificed a lot of your own freedom so he could pursue his.  You are growing where you are planted, and when you are married to a firefighter, sometimes reaching your own goals takes four days on and four days off longer than most people!  So smile sister!  You've done exceptional and I'm proud of you.  Remember who you are and remember just how important you are in the whole scheme of this sometimes overwhelming and lonely world.  You keep on going and are unfolding day by day into the woman so many of us want to be and admire.  XO

This weekend I'd love you to buy a journal for yourself, if you haven't already got one, something reasonably sized to put into your purse and to carry around with you.  Find some time to start writing out attributes you love about yourself and know contribute to the well-being of your family, your life and to your husband.  Also, start keeping track of the compliments you get and write them down.  Take a look at them from time to time to remember who you are.  Next, I'd love you to write down attributes and character traits that you'd like to become stronger in.  For me I needed to learn how to be assertive and set boundaries.  I studied great women who were good at both and then found a way to keep their spirit close to me when I'd practice.

Tonight my hubby is working an extra night shift he owes to another firefighter so I'm having a fun Friday night dinner with my Mom, niece, nephew and sons.  I'm keeping it simple with a huge macaroni and cheese in the oven and a couple of bottles of red wine.  Life is good.  XO

So You Married a Firefighter?

Hi there!  I am so happy to finally get my blog started before publishing my book, How to Stay Happily Married to a Firefighter. My book is how to stay happily married, because for me, this was not always the case.  Once upon a time I was a very reluctant firefighter wife and when my hubby decided to become one at the ripe old age of 35, I seriously thought he'd lost his ever lovin' mind.  Being married to a firefighter was never on my list of dreams and goals.  In fact, I was super happy the way my husband and I were before he decided to become a firefighter.  I had lots of freedom to pursue all my passions, my career dreams, you name it.  When my husband decided to become a firefighter, I seriously saw my life flash before my very eyes.  I felt lost, lonely, resentful, unfulfilled, and pissed off at having to put my career and dreams on hold.  So while I was really disappointed at what felt like a huge life change for the both of us, I was able to roll up my sleeves and find ways to help me go from very unhappy and disappointed to happy, proud and fulfilled.  It takes a lot of strength to be a firefighter wife, but you know what?  We are actually stronger than most people we know which is why, you are going to rock out your marriage and your life.  I am really looking forward to writing about my own personal experiences of being married to a firefighter and being a firefighter's wife.  I have such a heart for my firefighter wife sisters and I am hoping that my honesty about how hard I found it won't make you feel so alone.  My main goal for all of this, my blog and my book is to reach those women who have felt just like me and to give you hope and inspire you to have an amazing marriage with your guy.  I am here to encourage you and to help you also find a really great life of your own.  Being married to a firefighter can be very consuming so I want you to also remember how much you matter.  My experiences have gone from being really disillusioned with our marriage vision and life plan, to finding my purpose and joy in being part of this very special battalion.  I am here for you sister and it is my hope that you will find yourself in my blog and that I can be a support so that you can see what is possible.  I will share with you all that I've learned along the way.  If I can go from reluctant to so proud and happy, I know you will too.  Get ready to love your life, your marriage and your future.  All my love.  T  XOXO