Happy New Year!

Well, that went fast!  And don't we say that every year.  It would appear that I didn't even blog during the Christmas season.  I love fresh starts and that is exactly what 2018 is to me, a fresh start.  My old trainer, who'd just started up her company again, messaged me to see if I'd be interested in boot camp again.  Ah, yes please.  I figured we'd start next week, you know, after the turkey coma evaporated.  Nope.  We started straight away, January 2.  As I ran, lifted medicine balls, did football runs, squats and push-ups, I was beyond grateful I was there because I am beyond out-a-shape.  I realized quite some time ago that I'd honestly "let-myself-go"  on the outside because I'd let it go on the inside.  For years, unbeknownst to my conscious mind, I gave too much to others and never enough to myself.  Even in the Bible it tells us to love others "as much as we love ourselves."  Well I certainly always felt as though I loved myself, however, actions always speak louder than words now don't they.  Recently my life has changed drastically with my sister who I love more than life.  Fresh out of a divorce, her and I made so many plans to start this exciting new life together, one that she didn't have with her ex because she was so unhappy with him.  The problem was that she got into a relationship immediately with a person who is not good for her.  Our relationship changed because of him so I told her I'd give her space to find herself and asked her not to call me or me call her.  While we are still polite and loving toward one another, it was a really hard tough love decision I had to make for so many reasons and it feels so anguishing and sad to me.  I could no longer stand by and support unconditionally an intense union rife with arguments, jealousy, and chaos.  I am 50 years old and I have now said no to having other people's problems infiltrate my life.  Not my problem.  Not my circus, not my monkeys as they say.  There comes a time when you have to make the hard decisions so that you can have a joyful and joy-filled life.  Walking away from my sister while she dates this red flag worries me because I do on some levels fear for her safety, her mental state, etc.  But if I grinned and bared this toxicity, one that actually also affected my sons and husband as well as one of my friends when "red-flag" joined us for Easter dinner, it would be in silent support and I can't lie.  To have an authentic life, we have to not only stand our ground but guard and protect our hearts too, for what goes in, will come out whether it be in your words, what you think and so forth.  Red flag has three drinking driving charges in his hometown and ran away several provinces away to escape jail time.  Red flag has no friends.  Red flag gave my friend and my son a chilling jealous look when they were around my sister.  I can only pray to God this ends and ends well.  While I kind of veered off into another story there, I hope you can see my point.  I was so busy supporting her in her life, the drama, the chaos, etc. that I lost myself.  I became this vessel where everyone, including an old friend could release all of their shit into my ear.  I would feel the toxicity and the negativity for days.  That in turn made me turn to unhealthy ways of dealing with all of "their problems" so I neglected myself.  Now I am solely focussed on my exercise and health as well as my creativity and the love of my stable and earthy friends and family.  I turn to God in these moments and trust that he will protect those who I love deeply and eventually turn everything to good.  Because I am married to a firefighter and because he needs my support and understanding and because it is a lot, I don't have much more to give to people who are not willing to change their own lives.  Often we find there are many people in this world who just like to talk about themselves and keep their victim role F-O-R-E-V-E-R - so you are just being used as a sounding bored and a cheerleader when they have no intention of garnering their own inner strength.  So now all of my strength is going toward lifting weights and having what I feel on the inside, now reflect on the outside.  What are your new life resolutions?  XO

Moving Toward Your Dreams....

1. When I was in Paris, I knew one phrase, "Je ne parle pas francais' (I don't speak French). I practiced this phrase for about 2 hours over and over again while in Paris before I could say it confidently! I felt terrible not knowing any French while in Paris, because for years I wanted to learn French and for 20 years I couldn't wait to get to Paris. So here is what I was thinking. Had I learned even just one phrase a week a year for 20 years I would have known over 1,000 phrases by the time I went! The lesson? To get started, just do a little bit at a time toward any goal. Sometimes we set these very high expectations of ourselves thinking we have to accomplish everything at once, or find the right time, or we just unwittingly procrastinate because big goals feel overwhelming and then we get nothing done. Every week do a little something toward your dream and then just leave it at that - don't judge it, don't feel guilty, don't let other people's expectations about what needs to be accomplished and on what time-line throw you off track. If you do something each week toward your goal, you'll have at the very least, 52 of something by next year! 

The Golden Rule

Imagine how many relationships would stay together if the Golden Rule was practiced consistently?  Do unto others as you would have done to you.  Treat others as you would like to be treated.  I know a lot of spouses would say, "ya but" he needs to be nice to me first.  The Golden Rule is actually an unchangeable universal principal that will never go wrong.  So find out what the love of your life loves.  What brings them peace and joy when they are home?  Then go about making their life sweet.  Be of service to your marriage and to all other relationships you have.  Just "do you" and be kind, loving, good, thoughtful and generous.  If you are struggling in one of those areas, you will be a much happier person when you can master one of the above.  Marriage is the most important relationship in your life (besides God of course).  Make it rich.  Make it good.  Treat your spouse as you would like to be treated.  XO

Saying Sorry is Balm for the Soul

My firefighter texted me last night to say "sorry for what he said...I didn't mean it".  The sorry was amazing because my firefighter's family M.O. was about deflecting and blaming.  We've come a long way my hubby and I.  Though connected by passion, charisma and shared values, when it came to the tougher stuff, the two of us were happier sweeping all under the rug and getting back as soon as possible to getting along.  Now we know it is safe to be vulnerable with one another, but it takes two things to get there.  COMMITMENT and perseverance.  If there is something you need to say sorry for, don't let pride and ego stand in your way.  You are forgiven and you are also only human.  Saying sorry does not take away all that is great about you, but it makes you an even better person than you already are.  Saying sorry ends arguments when you are wrong or you've hurt someone. It has changed our marriage - it will change you're too.  XO

Cranky and Grumpy

There are times we find those guys we are married too beyond frustrating.  They seem to put more effort into their brothers at the hall than they do with their own families.  Just this past week my husband worked on the boat he we share with another firefighter family, worked his regular shifts, slept, went out to a firefighter guys event the other night, got up went to work, went to shake the boot in front of a liquor store for muscular dystrophy, came home and then snapped at me when he watched the puppy standing at the door, but didn't take him out, leaving me to clean up a nice big pile of dog poop.  "Why didn't you tell me he was standing at the door?"  I asked, furiously looking at my husband with a plate of food in his hands about to head back upstairs to bed.  It was then I heard him tell me to FO, I'm exhausted.  Yes, that son of a bitch, hurled a profanity at me.  As a firefighter wife I get tired of this dance that I have to do with him every time he chooses to burn himself out and then take things out on me.  Many times as well over the years when things got super rough with his moods and this inflated ego firefighters grow, I thought about leaving him.  There were actually times I didn't just think about it, but started making a plan to get the hell out of dodge.

Firefighters can really wear the shit out of you.  Our entire lives seem to revolve around their moods, their schedule and their self importance.  After too many times to count I think most wives find themselves standing there, lost in what seems like an endless journey of one step forward and then two steps back.  You go to marriage counselling, you practice a few tools and then this?  These of course are the days I can hardly wait for the night shift to roll around - where he will be out of the house overnight and I can regain my composure.  So what is a wife to do?  Well, for me, having seen this rodeo transpire many, many, many times over the last many years, I have learned how to dig deep, really, really, really deep so first I don't punch him in the face, second, watch my own words and practice verbal discipline so that I don't say something that I will regret, like I used to and thirdly, put a whole lot of space between the two of us so that we can have a calmer discussion when "joy comes in the morning" and I can recall this past week to him so that he understands my frustration at what I have to put up with.  Firefighter wives deserve an award.  In fact we deserve many.  Over the years in being married to my husband I have really learned how to toughen up with him, but more than anything, in order to save my own soul, sanity and spirit, I have had to become my own self motivated advocate, my own cheerleader and my own encourager just so that I could remember that I too have a life of my own and no one, even a grumpy firefighter is going to talk like that to me like that.  When I was in my 30's and he became a firefighter, I did not have this gumption, grit or strength, but if you stick with him long enough, you will get it.  I know that all married couples argue, yes they do, but this marriage, this firefighter one, is in a league all it's own and it requires tools and it requires, if it's going to go the distance, COMMITMENT - the kind you have to spell in  all CAPITAL LETTERS.  I decided to stay with my husband because I love him.  I also feel that being married to him has made me stronger.  I have also found myself overwhelmed, lost and angry at this not always easy role in his life I've had to play, but we get through it.  That's where the ALL-CAPS COMMITMENT comes into play.  Today is a new day and I will talk with my guy after he's caught up on all his sleep.  I've made a few notes of things that have really bothered me this week so that I can communicate to him my hurt rather than letting it fester into resentment.    Verbal Discipline, communicating my hurt, my needs and my frustrations in an organized fashion so that I stay on topic and COMMITMENT all in capitals.  I think after 15 years I might just be getting better at this!  XO

My Toughest Critics

Well, I handed off one chapter of my book to my husband last night to take to the fire hall.  The chapter I sent is called, Understanding Your Husband's Profession.  So far the reviews have been great though it still needs some editing.  I want to dispel any rumors out there that this is a book that is critical toward our men in blue.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I am really read for this book to be finished and distributed.  I'm experiencing a bit of burnout from reading the same words over and over for several years.  Of course there is always vulnerability when you are about to give birth to something you've dreamt up for so long and of course not everyone is gong to love it.  If I can however, help lots of firefighter wives navigate and keep their marriages together it will have all been worth it.  The one person it's helped the most has been me.  Writing a book while going through my own marital rough patches kept me focused on finding solutions.  I am forever grateful that my marriage has stood the test of time and am even happier now that I can share my wisdom with the next generation.

What's Your Marriage Vision?

As we all know having a firefighter marriage, it can be difficult to navigate if we don't understand our husband's profession, what they deal with everyday and the results of those difficult days.  It's also essentially important to check in with yourself.  How are you feeling today?  Is there anything you want to bring up with your husband?  Do you need to ask for more help so that you have some time to yourself?  How's your stress level?  Are you exercising regularly?

One of the most important things to help us address these questions is to be aware of where you are, where you've been and where you'd like to go as a couple.

Creating a marriage vision helps us all as firefighter families to stay on track.  When you have goals in front of you, like a GPS, even if you get off track, your GPS reminds you of where you are going.  For me and my husband we just came back from almost a month away in Europe.  It had always been on our bucket list and we both hope to travel more.  Of course in addition to all the fun stuff you plan together as a married couple, it's also good to have your "tool box" ready for when you hit those rough patches as a couple.  It's normal to go through trying times but when you do have a vision of the type of marriage you would like to have, you can then go about seeing what you need to work on but also to see what the two of you have accomplished.

Communication was the hardest thing for both my husband and I because we weren't good at solving issues together without arguing.  We both came from families where didn't get to see good communication modelled.  Oh sure, we could talk, we could laugh, we could regale each other about our days, our family and friends, but to really truly communicate....to have intimacy (in-to-me-see) was a lot more challenging for my husband and I because we were good at yelling, being defensive, and then after being sick of arguing, sweeping our issue under the rug until next time of course.

We've come a long way since those days and I was the one who had to make changes with myself.  I had to learn to let my husband talk.  I had to learn how not to interrupt.  I had to learn how not to talk over and I had to learn how not to yell.  Today it feels so good to be disciplined in this area and our communication has gone from a solid four to a solid 8.  Maybe even a 7-8!  We are still working on stuff but communicating what I needed from my husband was key to helping us build that communication connection.  For me I needed to learn to listen and actually hear my husband and I needed him to work on his timing factor.  Yes, please don't bring up a challenging topic to discuss in our bedroom and kill our romance please!  I also like him to make appointments with me for the heavier stuff.  I don't like things being sprung on me.  I am really happy that we are becoming better in this area and am actually feeling quite accomplished as a good communicator these days.  It took therapy, it took intention and it took lots and lots of practice.  When you are not used to connection communication, it can be scary, but when you inch out a little at a time you and your firefighter will get better at it.

So here is a question for you:  What does a successful marriage look like to you and where in your marriage do you and your husband need to focus on?  Is it communication?  Is it spending more quality time together?  Once you identify what you need to do, that is 1/2 the battle!  Now it is time to make a plan.  What steps do the two of you need to take?  Ask your hubby what he needs and then you tell him what you need.  Between the two of you come up with ways of making that happen. If you would like to spend more time with your busy firefighter, then pull out the calendar and circle a date where the two of you maybe go to a movie, out for lunch, or shopping, etc. together.  If he wants the house to be more tidy when he gets home, then come up with a plan that works for both of you and get help if need be.  When you have a vision for the type of marriage you want and then sent an intention and communicate it to your guy, your chances of success are very high!  XO