The Insufferable Firefighter

If you could rank your husband's bad moods on a scale from 1-10 where would they land? Recently my husband landed in hospital again. This is the third time with a low white blood cell count. He was the most insufferable person leading up to this hospitalization and I can understand why. However, there is something about me and possibly you now, having learned to be independent and fend for yourself more often than not that you look at that man of yours and say, "get your shit together." I say this not because I am cold - I am just the opposite in fact. But if you are married to a firefighter, or at least the more egotistical kind, they think that the world revolves around them - and why wouldn't they, they are heroes, right? Additionally with respect to his bad health, it is unfortunately in my eyes completely self-inflicted. Firefighters are known to indulge too much in what is not necessarily good for them. Fast food, booze, and possibly chew tobacco. Check, check and check. I've watched as my husband comes home and really let's go. He lays in bed consistently in an air conditioned room, and doesn't move unless he needs to come downstairs to eat. I feel as though all of this is delayed grief having lost his mom and having watched his best friend who was also a firefighter spiral  into darkness all within two weeks of each other. Additionally, I don't nag or bitch at my husband. But when he landed in hospital again, something in me snapped. I wasn't putting up with this anymore. My own father is dying of cancer and has a lot of regrets. My husband will too if he doesn't take his mortality seriously. And those moods? No longer will I keep quiet and just accept this as part of the job. Well, it is part of the job, but I put up a big fat boundary with him that he is to never and I mean never speak to me rudely ever again. I am not here on earth to serve bad moods and then become depleted and crushed underneath the weight of them. As an indomitable fire wife, I've put up with a lot and I know you have to. I have paid my dues and I too have suffered as a result. This is a hard life, but this is the last straw. Toughen up girl. You've been nothing but supportive and committed to both him and his profession. You've been flexible and very accommodating. It's time to teach these guys how to treat their wives. Expect respect and you will get it. Set up strong boundary lines and be succinct in your language to him about what you will no longer accept, (don't get too wordy, they won't hear you.) This is your life and you must stand strong in it so that you can have a good one. My book is called The Indomitable Fire Wife: standing strong in your marriage, your life and your dreams. Focus on that and it will be published soon.  Love you!  XO

Where are You in All of This?

While having my book for Firefighter Wives edited the other day my editor said, "Wow, a firefighter's life takes precedence over his wife's."  It's true.  From their schedule, to filling in for an extra shift, trading holidays, volunteering, sleeping and sometimes working another job - not only is it true, but it is obvious to those who observe our marriage.

I think that the most important thing to remember is that as a fire wife, self-care and recognizing and realizing how important we are to our husband's career, but most importantly to our own life and dreams is crucial. It's easy to get swept up in the craziness of it all it, but by being conscious of  your individual needs, your husband's individual needs and collectively your marriage's needs, you'll find the craziness eventually transforms into a really good rhythm. So let's talk about you. How are you feeling about life and your marriage today? How are you feeling about yourself? Are you fulfilled? Are you overwhelmed? Is there something you are longing to try and do? Is your marriage going through a rough patch and you are worried? Here is what I want you to do. I want you to keep a journal. Even if you are not a writer, I've always believed that writing and reflecting are very therapeutic. I remember reading that from the heart and soul to the pen to the paper. There is something about actually writing that allows for your true and genuine thoughts to pour out. However, if you write long enough, the answers will come to. So today, when you have a moment, I want you to sit down with a cup of tea or a cup of coffee and I want you to reflect on where you are at, your level of happiness and then any issues you'd like to solve. We get so busy in our lives that your heart and soul can get ignored and then sadness or depression will set in. I remember hearing that anger is depression inside out. If you are disconnected and feeling discontent, I want you to be honest and spell it out in your journal. Write as if know one is looking! I don't want you to stay in disconnectedness and discontent however. I believe that we must always go into a pressing problem or issue in our life fully intent on a solution. Do not camp out in negativity or resentment. Remember, no one else can fulfill our lives only we can. Write out your dreams and then determine when you'd like to get started on things. Also if there is something blocking you from your blossom - your authentic self, your self-confidence and feelings of self-worth then it's time to perhaps seek out a life-coach or therapist. You are worth it and I want you to realize just how special you are and just how important your role in this great big life is.